mixed feelings about having mixed feelings about going back to school

 I'm really unsure of what to do.

The dynamics of social interaction and the increasingly smaller and smaller amount of ways a person can 'be' without 'being' something they may or may not 'be' stresses me out. I just wanna be around ppl with fuckbrain but my buds r far away and got shit to do and everyone has shit to do. If i use ne word im gonna be a this or a that--things are so much more strategized than i care for them to be... i played the game for a good minute and im outtie now but i can't help but wonder if me wanting to go back to school is just an inner need to be liked and understood and spoken to in a way that garners a base level of respect and awareness of general futility and also cutieness. is it just me wanting to try being a person again?

I tell myself it's because I need a job and I don't wanna b a pizza guy forever and i like teaching and helping ppl give everything the finger but r the people that need help w that gonna be people trying to go to school? prolly not? but how can i really know that? idk......... school is stupid and 'higher ed' is stupid and playing into that system is top tier stupid but what other way can i do what i need to do without being more and more forever tired... wait how is getting an mfa gonna make me less tired... ahh, in the long run, they say... I mean yeah I'm not going to school if I don't get a full ride, so there's already that stipulation, but then what if i suddenly become outside of circles of ppl that hate everyone that has a degree or circles that hate academia

do i get kicked out of those

not that im even in them

but what if that becomes a criteria that works against me

i dont wanna be friends with the 'art 'world' at um any point in time

i just wanna get grants and get paid and not be pizza guy

but being in school cant come without its own stipulations... stipulations that r probably way more annoying than being pizza guy... being pizza guy is mostly pretty sick... but im so tired....even tho i do mostly nothing... but the business is dying anyway.... idk what to do.

im so tired of thinking. You'd (I'd?) think that after my really cute huge depersonalization episode that was a culmination of lots of things whose fallout resulted in decidedly worse things thanks to people and categorizations and misunderstandings and general disgust of non-normal brain (even tho if i said that out loud id be hung digitally) that I would have given up on thinking a long time ago but nah this bitch is still doing it. I kind of hate that i built up such a resistance to myself that is so pervasive even now. Even as I've found it out. I've grown into this tree, I've only finally gone actual tree mode but all the rings are evidence of and addition to the whatever it is im doing, "masking" im like meta-meta-meta-masking. How do i stop that. 

Dear autistic ppl

how do you stop reflecting the expectations of other ppl onto yourself and others

how do you give up

how do you be a person that is you, yourself, and not just a million reflections in the shards of things.

i keep catching myself in this game and what if i go to school and get even worse at it...

or i could try to promise myself to be the dumb bitch asshole i am and not back down and not reframe things in other people's ways that are not my ways for their understanding which is in the end a misunderstanding still

I'm so fucking tired.

I'm trying to finish two projects before sending in my applications so that it looks like i did stuff this year. They are things I want to be doing. But i feel like im having to over-plan and over-exert myself and somehow im still just grasping sand not made into anything, slipping through my fingers. 

What will a Masters program want of me?

I'm an extremely hard working person. I'm smart. I'm capable. But i don't want to push on any idea of what anything or anyone is supposed to be, I don't want to be a part of that. I'm so tired of that. That literal thing is what is driving me to insanity every other day. I'm so tired.

Even in school days, before I knew much about having dumb dumb brain, I still found people who'd put up with me and vice versa. There was a closeness that was still full in terms of its... back-and-forthness, or understanding, or just acknowledgment of humanity and personhood, without ever telling anyone or even knowing "im trans, im gay, im autistic, im whatever whatever whatever", but those things were still understood in some way, I think. With the people that knew. Telling most of them this or them finding out in one way or another, although we are not close anymore, none of us, but for those that have been sort of on my trail or keeping up w me in some way, its... it doesnt seem to have informed them of anything. And has it really informed me of anything? What does that do? When you pig a hashtag for your body? What does that do? I'm not saying it's all bad. But I have been making comparisons over and over and it's hard to understand what exactly... anyone is...well... I won't even go so far as to assume anything for anyone else but.

I'm tired.

How do I stop the brain loop

how do i exit

i wanna move and i wanna not worry about a job

which is why i wanna go to school for free and get a stipend

it seems the most viable thing for me to do rn, even tho it feels morally wrong

but i feel like its those categorizations and the purity head talk that puts these feelings in me anyway

how do i take em out?

I just wanna be friend and hang out... share things... share art... and be dumb... be understood... i wish not being understood didnt weigh on me like it does... I wish i had internal proof of my personhood, or that if i do, it would be enough... I'm so tired.

OK I'd like to add: Literally just existing around people that have expectations of things they place on everything and not on being a kind human person to another or just existing 

literally

I'm so tired lmfao I'm so fucking tired IDK what to do