bloggin from when to when

-----Sep

New bonks 

-----Sep2 2020

After a long (long. Why so long) time of nodding at thecatamites spiritually I finally played 50 short games and I love it and I think my fave game so far is the one on the first page that's like something something Free Press. I get many Jason vibes from it and I hope he plays it 

I'm kind of internet stalking someone just for a sec and going thu their YouTube--

ummm hmmmmmmmmmmm oh I downloaded Adventure Game Studio which is exciting

I have half a mind to do a collab w some ppl on a funny junked out website but now I'm wondering if a game wouldn't be cuter… hmm…

Adi finished that show DARK on Netflix and I must say that was some BS and I'll just stop there

I can't wait for my website to be done

I miss listening to orchestral music

Ive got a little over 300 pages left in dhalgren and I'm taking a break, and Ive been reading invisible cities but I really just wanna read that Renee gladman book I just got in the mail but I'm sposed to pass invisible cities on to someone so I gotta get it outta the way

I'm glad IMVU lasted bc I really didn't think it would

Starting to think I should write a memoir of all the internet sex I had as a preteen

I wonder if people call it anything else, internet sed almost gives it too much validity but also I guess I it doesn't matter

Waitin on a sandwich and thinking about how I always want to make my own electric line or make it into a bracelet or something 

With lil electric boxes and loose wires and knots all around

Maybe I should make a long long string of things accumulated/built up/knotted and broken and hang it up somewhere in town 

Oh I watched Uncut Gems. I'm glad it was made and it had to happen but it was mostly a waste of my time and gave me a… yknow… ah if I tell you you'll think I'm just being an asshole for fun but it def has a Vibe that I feel is part of a less than savory pattern in Stuff Being Made  but like I said. Yeah. I like it a lot better if I just think of it as a comedy but I'll have u know I took it relatively seriously until the dam broke in my brain 

-----Sep1 2020

Show me something better than the comment section on manga reading websites

I love it

Ppl sharing links for movies that aren't released yet and helping ppl figure shit out and giving advice and also just gushing about how much they love this particular manga you are reading

It's like we’re all in a nerd club and I get to silently intake everyone's comments about each chapter and be like wow me too or aw or wtf

Cute

PS I'm talking about Dai Dark and Made in Abyss in particular but really any manga I've read online that has a comment section is always fun to go thru 

Anyway tryna start reading Made in Abyss bc I just wanna Know but also I love the anime too much and maybe I'll get bored of the manga idk 

I'm really not a huge fan of the watercolory look, 

-----Aug28 2020

finding one of your many old deviantart accounts, namely the one you used for posting stuff you wrote, and god damn 

Being young is a curse and dealing with other people’s bullshit is a curse 

Loving someone that wants you dead is a curse. 

Who put that shit on me 

-----Aug23 2020

http://www.tingemagazine.org/an-interview-with-bhanu-kapi/

-----Aug20 2020

Allllllllright. This is it. I'm so fed up with celebrities and advertisements and anything in the media addressing COVID or the year 2020 as “strange times” or “bizarre” or “unthinkable”-- as if there wasn't a documentary made in 2005 called “The Coming Pandemic” about how A. We’ve been dreaming the pandemic in fiction/media and B. There's… been pandemics before. I don't even know shit about history but I'm sure if anyone remembered it(history) exists, that might make this whole situation less mystically evil or bad. And when I say mystically it's not to disregard any spiritually related feelings/thoughts about what's been happening, but more to say that people are acting as though this came from nowhere and is totally a new phenomenon that no one knows what to do about and it's all out of our hands, which is especially annoying when paired with all the recent civil unrest. Once again, I don't even know shit about history but I know this shit ain't new. It should say something that it's occurring again. I wonder if there's a map of time and if there's less time between outbursts like this that keep repeating--or anything that has been repeating historically. Listening to a 1993 interview of Toni Morrison gave me that feel, reading some article by Thomas Pynchon from the 1960s gave me that feel, reading dhalgren is giving me that feel, and when I decide to look into history more, especially when told by people who refuse to have any stake in bullshit, I'm sure I’ll turn into some bloody rage monster at any sentiments of novelty. And to be clear, I don't care if ppl go around saying these times are weird--sure, yes, you specifically may not have experienced things like this, but the widespread sentiment asserting that everyone is equally in weird time world and that it's totally new and there's no way anyone could know anything of what to do or that this is the first time any of the things happening in 2020 has ever happened, that's just erasing history, which I've been feeling is a huge part of what is getting people to adhere to ridiculous beliefs about the world and their part in it. Erasing history and erasing complexity. I fucking hate it. I hate hearing that stupid fucking YT ad.

 I hate this because I also just responded w an easy “weird times…” wistful reply to when people asked me how it was going--but why? Because I really believed that? Or because I just hadn't even formed an opinion about how life was even going at that point? Or because I just didn't care to reply with honesty or length and just wanted to say what I heard all around on the internet and shit to get the encounter over with in a way I didn't have to explain? 

I feel like this came out of my mouth better when I ~organically~ just told the YT ad to eat shit and then ranted aloud, which is funny bc u might reply w “but it can't hear you” but bitch it might ...

-----Aug19 2020

Once my website is over with I won't be writing so many blog entries… maybe… anyhow,

This morning I found some tiny iridescent bubbles on a plant:

maybe dollops instead of bubbles, idk

Took Adi to a factory I found a long time ago totally on a whim one drunken night while out driving a long way away in Oklahoma (Don’t worry I wouldn't do that at this point in my life) w an someone Im not friends with anymore. I saw the glow in the distance and decided I had to find it, and bam, there was this whole ass factory. That was at least three years ago, but prolly more like four. 

Anyway tho, Adi’s website is finished and here it is! Check it out: avalls.xyz

They did some field recording there and then we stopped by my fave spot in Denton but forgot the recorder so they just took some practice video.

-----Aug18 2020

My pf is making their website and I drank a glass of fake champagne and after reading their bio, said that we really both sound like some cosmos continuum ass bitches, as in,  blah blah flowey flowey

Anyway today I delivered to this huge ass house with a large courtyard and gate I had to drive thru. Each 10 dollar bill had a name written on it, and some 3 digit number starting w 7 or 8, plus an extra letter afterward sometimes. One just said ‘Salty Rose’ so I kept that one. 

Finishing up editing the writing I'm gonna send to the zine--it's gonna be a small part of a much bigger novel-thing I've been very slowly working on, which is a <spiritual> sequel to this other short story I wrote, the breesed. It's about a lot of things but this short snippet is meant to be a dreamlike retelling of a few moments after a main character wakes, and mostly about connecting what is happening outside of them/around them to what is happening to their body to what is happening in their brain, and how it triggers and also defends against long held memories from before they were even themself, this description is already getting long winded, but I mean… hence the cosmos continuum ass bitches remark…

Also timelines…. the tower is a cross section of time in the form of a tower… thru tube… yeah

Oh fuck side note pbs is sick and Ive been watching these science videos on YouTube from PBS Eons etc etc and that's been giving me a lot of fodder to pull from. It's a good time. Also listening to Driftglass by Samuel R Delany introduced me to slag which introduced me to this like, Alabama Exploration YouTube channel of this dude that just walks around creeks n shit and has a blue grabby arm and just picks Shit up or looks for it. Also slag is cool… also the earth could have maybe been purple. 

Anywho. Really hope to finish my website before August is over. It's been a tedious process. Still don't know why I insist on coding it. Probably some paleo diet impulse (I'm not on any sort of diet but you know… some back to nature do it yourself type attitude… lmfao yeah)

Side note I don't mean this in a corny way but having an active imagination will make u live longer. I kind of made that up but I feel like I can say that. Is there a synonym for ‘imagination’ that doesn't conjure like doodley crayon imagery or like sterile sciencey sounding-ness… Let Me Know. I don't mind the word imagination I'm just… asking… for a friend

-----Aug15 2020

Been distracted at work all day and listened to this podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/juliana-huxtable-heat-wave-tongues/id1523307830?i=1000486381665 (a few times a year I look up Juliana Huxtable on YouTube or Apple Podcasts to see if there's anything new) and although it was kind of jarringly edited I really enjoyed the different things happening, especially someone’s account of a recent and very good sexual encounter, and Juliana talking about some more explicitly sexual stuff than I’ve usually heard in her interviews. Like, how the first time she came was because of toilet paper touching her skin, or how she would finger herself with mixtures of honey oil and salt-- that part in particular was really interesting, wondering what informed the decisions to use those specific substances and imagining the existence of sexual salves and fluids you can make from certain materials or herbs or something… idk. Or even just the different textures in contrast. Gave me lots of imagery and story. I’ve been thinking a lot about sexuality lately although I’ve been mostly ignoring it since I’ve been with my partner of a few years now. I feel like I missed/am missing out on this cornerstone of culture that is, experiencing digital hookups and sexual openness in a way that is streamlined and OverNormal or something, although I know that has its roots. I started to think it might be fun to do a story growing from some idea I quickly had about tree sap and how maybe all the buzzing bugs under the barkskin activate this tree jizz, and did a quick search to see what tree sap even is, and was pleased to see a result saying that tree sap is often the effect of a bug infestation.

I also passed by this while googling stuff--I had thought of this documentary on Hulu about a man who's had sex w an alien and paints a lot about it and was trying to find the name but came across this instead: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couch-and-stage/201807/having-sex-aliens

It's an interesting and short read. Interesting because I feel like in the responses of his friend, the case is made for just letting this lady have sex with aliens and also giving some weight and validity to what happens in our minds and imagination or beyond that and letting that be real, and not pathologizing it or whatever. But his reaction to very quickly thinking about it and then not wanting to think about it was kind of sad and abrupt and not a fulfilling response/conclusion to the conversation he had with his friend. But part of me is like… was this his secret avenue for bringing up this sort of thing… like is he just not letting on how he Really feels about it bc social norms… is this his invisible flag… but anyway. Yeah.

-----Aug14 2020

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So, I’m in no way a software developer or programmer (I don't even know how interchangeable those words are, whatever) but I know enough to get the gist of this thing I just finished reading (which was a good read, u should read it): https://www.boringcactus.com/2020/08/13/post-open-source.html

I’m hardly on Twitter these days but they still email me letting me know “what i’m missing” and in the email I opened this morning I saw everest pipkin retweet this link from the author. 

Anyway,

I’ve been looking up a bunch of different vending machine images on DuckDuckGo to inform what the vending machine on my website will look like. The more images I sift thru, the more little starts of stories form in my head. I’ll share some of my faves that I’ve passed by:

Oh before I get to the images, I also passed by this, which was kind of fun to skim thru: http://www.lasertimepodcast.com/2014/10/18/the-best-and-worst-vending-machines-in-video-games/

This one reminds me of a Hitoshi Ashinano manga, I think Kotonoba Drive, where the main character finds a coffee vending machine whilst walking thru a forested area. 

Boy howdy look at those dang ass innies

This one looks like each tier rotates, maybe?? Which I’ve never seen before. But if I'm being real, I just really like that fork graphic.

This is a vending machine full of contacts, I think. I like the size and shape of the sign on top, and I don't feel like I ever see signs on top of vending machines out in the wild. I’m probably going to do a sign with similar proportions, also sitting on two lil legs.

The blue light behind the glossy white coated grate w a million little circle holes……… you may think the cute colorful pics of ice cream are making you drool but really it's just that bright glowing light/glossy grate combo. 

Honorable mention for cool shape, might include some similar rounded/beveled(is that the word)-ness.

Alright that's enough of that.

I recently got back from a week long camping trip and really need to finish up this chunk of writing I’m submitting to a zine but I keep pouring all of my time into coding my website (which is sooooooo slooooooooow to roll). I keep wondering if I should just be paying for Wix but for some reason I refuse. Anyway. I'll prolly go to sleep soon, to the sound of my partner watching Twin Peaks in the living room. I’ve watched the first episode so many times and really felt indifferent about it but a friend of mine told me to just skip it and try again, so I did. Still not that into it, but there's some things I can appreciate about it while Adi watches it and then I can walk away before my brain fries with oversaturation of whatever David Lynch thinks human interaction must be like. 

Ok bye for real.

-----Aug11 2020

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Shit is live or whatever